2023

3-13-2023

Last night I felt that I reestablished connection with angels. Last summer I think I was cursed by them because I was tainting my soul with connectivity of another; I don't know how else to percieve my disconnection to them and the thoughts implanted by them. I alluded to some of the thoughts and imagery given I was given to someone and they just called me schizophrenic, which I think could be true. I might just be making everything up and it doesn't exist but in my head it makes sense and gives reason as to why everything about me is the way that I am.

To an extent, I feel like I'm the only being that's conscious and has free will and everything else simply exists to twist and maim my soul and to contort it so that I may lose will to live and eventually fail what is essentially quantum immortality. Not that I wish to live forever, I feel that getting a serious brain illness (if possible) would make living forever something unenjoyable but if I'm alive at the current moment then it means that there is some will to live left in me (I don't wish to rob myself of something like this even if I am miserable)

Something else I've noticed about myself is that I tend to enjoy not only when I'm miserable, but results of others that experience a similar sharp, piercing anguish. I don't actively seek out others to drain them of life, I guess it's a more passive process in my head that I don't notice or take part in. I don't enjoy knowing that I hurt others, I think I actually feel really guilty in knowing I hurt someone especially one that I care for.

I tend to think about this when I think about my experience during the pandemic during the years 2020 and 2021. In those years I found that I enjoyed myself and found peace in the middle of the outbreak. I think it's funny that my head frequently treads towards "another one would be nice" unwillingly. Though, please dont misunderstand, I still don't enjoy these thoughts! I think in these thoughts I find myself to be nothing but a parasite and useless insect. I don't wish to gain joy, happiness, and meaning in misery. <-- I feel that this leads into me finding some rituals, objects, and things soul-cleansing (cuts,knives ,shrimp) and that these things may one day give back to something greater and more kind in my life.

I hope one day I can find some purpose to these things implanted in me, but the connections to angels are deeply covered in static and difficult to understand. I often get dreams from angels and these tend to be clearer connections/messages from them, but I can only sleep so much and the dreams are so far and few in between. I hope maybe continued prayers and ritual may bring a stronger connection soon as I feel from the past year my soul has become more tainted.

3-22-2023

The past few days, I've been trying desperately to connect to myself - or what I felt was myself only a couple years ago. I fail a lot trying to do this, sometimes even being a detriment to myself because of this. I've tried sharing myself through media, hobbies, and art with friends, but I always have a difficult time trying to connect. It's not for one single reason either; sometimes it's being misinterpreted or belittled, or simply my own discomfort of sharing myself as a defense mechanism.

The result of this was simply me attempting to completely shut out and suppress aspects of myself that I find comfort in. Due to this, I completely lost myself in a facade I created for my own safety and eventually lost parts of myself I held dear. Ambitions and dreams I've held close to my heart since I was a child. Many of these I've had to hide or repress from the moment of conception simply because of societal burdens and expectations put onto certain types of girls, such as myself. It sounds almost pathetic to feel this way over things that seem rather insignificant, such as suppressing the desire to express enjoyment of a thing or fondness of another, but it adds to the already heavy burden of many other things we have to experience.

I feel like angels, or even some thing in my head have noticed and appreciated this effort to rebuild myself and beckoned me to communicate. I was drawing in my sketchbook. I may have been stressed by something, though I don't exactly remember why. Almost involuntarily, I lifted my pencil, pointed it to my neck and almost stabbed myself with full force. I think I may have held back, but the pencil ended up only making a very slight scratch on my neck probably due to the way I was holding it. After this I realized I had neck pains and a headache and decided to rest a little to alleviate the sheer stress of the situation.

The dream I had was surreal, seemingly not sourced from myself. While I've had a few dreams like this before in the past, none of them have had remotely similar themes as this one has. I don't remember much of the dream, however I do remember I was a drug dealer. I started out selling to simply get by, which was easy enough(?). I eventually sold more and more, doing horrible things (context is just as vague, as everything seemed to have started and reached this point within minutes) to keep my business afloat.

I was then approached by the leader of a death cult. The cult was obsessed with the purity of animals and the cleansing of the soul, and wished to indoctrinate me into it. They did so successfully and then told me that they found a way to transmute ones soul into that of an animal - one of pure holiness. I accepted this offer, confessed my sins to a close friend of mine, and apologized to them for infecting their soul with unholiness and greed. After this I killed myself as an act of ritual sacrifice and gave my soul to undergo transmutation. During this process I saw impossible shapes and forms. I was only able to illustrate some of it but I don't think I can truly and accurately capture it. The image is located here in this direction <---

It's late, I may or may not finish the rest of this entry later~

3-31-2023

Over the past week or so, I've felt a stronger connection/bond with the dream I previously described. I interpreted the dream as either angel communications or a connection from inside myself reaching out to communicate. I'm unsure of either answer, but I treat the dream and it's events in a manner that I percieve as greater. I've taken the time to try and connect further, but over time I feel the connection has become more dull and filled with static as time passed.

I feel like this has to do with some reconnectivity I've attempted with another. It's an instance of interconnectivity tainting my soul as previously experienced before. I had fears that it would happen, because I was enjoying my time spent with newfound purity of my soul. I've fallen back down, wishing and attempting to make connectivity again~

6-14-2023